Ballots, Bullets and Kabulshit : An Afghan Election

11.32 a.m. Friday, 12 September 2008: SQ 238, Melbourne–Singapore

Planning an election in a war-ravaged, corrupt country like Afghanistan is not a job for the work-experience kid. No one expects next year's presidential election, the second since the fall of the Taliban, in which Hamid Karzai will bid for another term, will be without its . . . difficulties. The United Nations has a team of proper grown-ups to assist, hopefully increasing transparency and reducing corruption and, to my astonishment, I've been enlisted as an advisor.

Quite why the Afghan electoral commissioners might need my advice as they lurch toward voter registration in October eludes me, but it is for this reason that I'm in the bubble of a 747, hurtling toward that troubled country. I suspect it's a bit like falling off a cliff: better to have done than be doing.

My notions of Afghanistan are a curious amalgam of Kiplingesque clichés from my teens, grainy downloads of sword-wielding fundamentalists steadying aim on an infidel neck, and tempered triumphalism from Operation Enduring Freedom.

I presume there will be mortar-pecked townships encircled by unyielding mountains twitching with flint-eyed mediaevalists.

While the frisson of dinner-party danger appeals, I'm a capital 'W' wimp, so if my imaginings prove true I'll be spending much of my time in Kabul hiding under desks, identifying sturdy pillars to stand behind in the event of a car bomb, and wishing I'd brought more brown trousers.

Government travel advice doesn't help:

• We strongly advise you not to travel to Afghanistan because of the extremely dangerous security situation and the very high threat of terrorist attack If you are in Afghanistan, you should consider leaving.

To stoke my paranoia, the Department of Foreign Affairs sent an email warning: 'There has been an increase in insurgent activity in the Kabul area and heightened security concerns following a series of attacks in August 2008. Credible reports suggest terrorists may be targeting journalists, including Australians, in Afghanistan. We continue to advise Australians not to travel to Afghanistan.'

It's my forty-first election across four continents, in roles from strategist to shit-kicker. In politics back home, typically I'm engaged to manipulate truth for electoral gain, but these tools must be left in the shed for UN gigs.

The fee is disconcertingly generous by UN standards, but I could still earn four times as much pontificating about marketing from the comfort of South Yarra, very probably