| Preface | p. xi |
| If You Don't Like the Possum, Enjoy the Sweet Potatoes | p. 1 |
| Give People Enough Rope and they Will Hang You | p. 4 |
| Never Attack a Skunk from the Rear | p. 7 |
| One-Armed Persons Make Poor Cotton Pickers | p. 10 |
| Feed Your Enemy; it's Always Harder to Fight with a Full Stomach | p. 13 |
| Life is less like a Consommé and More like a Stew | p. 16 |
| Certitude is the Breeding Ground of Intolerance and Violence | p. 20 |
| Try to Live So Your Children Won't Want to Piss on Your Tombstone | p. 24 |
| Nobody is Ever Greatly Bothered by Their Own Personally Produced Methane | p. 28 |
| If You Own a Male Dog, Eat the Fruit from High off the Tree | p. 31 |
| Don't Burn Your Bridges before You Cross Them | p. 33 |
| Commuting is Never Back and Forth but Always Forth and Back | p. 36 |
| That Nightmare May be Uncle Og and Aunt Ig Fleeing from a Saber-toothed Tiger | p. 38 |
| Meat Gets Done, People Get Finished | p. 41 |
| Every Person is an Island | p. 43 |
| Visions of the Hereafter Should Not Distort the View of the Here-and-Now | p. 46 |
| Sometimes the Most Nourishing Diet for the Soul is to Eat Crow | p. 49 |
| Real Empathy Occurs When Other People's Tears Flow Down Our Cheeks | p. 52 |
| The Older We Get, the Weirder our Toenails Grow | p. 55 |
| First Curse the Dark, Then Light a Candle | p. 58 |
| Learn to Buy High and Sell Low | p. 61 |
| Bless the Day You Realized that Your Children, After All, Had Finally Become Adults | p. 64 |
| Neither it a Thou nor Thou an It | p. 67 |
| Better Emeritus than Posthumous | p. 71 |
| Chase Rabbits, You Might Scare up an Elephant | p. 73 |
| Vengeance is Far too Sweet to Be Enjoyed by the Almighty Alone | p. 75 |
| We Should All Be Fanatics for the Cause of Moderation | p. 78 |
| Speak Softly but Always Be Accompanied by a Lawyer with a Big Stick | p. 80 |
| Try to Bequeath Your Children More Than a Copy of Your Bankruptcy Statement | p. 83 |
| Some of the Time Some of Us Have Two Faces, but All of the Time All of Us Have Four Personas | p. 86 |
| A Book of Verses, a Jug of Wine, a Loaf of Bread, and Who Needs a Thou | p. 90 |
| The Heart That Has Been Broken Can Be Mended; The Heart That Has Been Crushed Can Never Be Repaired | p. 93 |
| Develop a Capacity to Glorify the Routine | p. 96 |
| When Someone Sets out to Rehabilitate You, Run Like a Scalded Dog | p. 100 |
| Avoid Having to Pay Alimony on Your Alimony Payments | p. 103 |
| The Highest Tuition is Always Charged on Lessons Already Learned | p. 106 |
| Beware of Adjectival Denigration or There Never Was a "Good" Samaritan | p. 109 |
| In Spite of Added Frills, a Bathroom is Still a Toilet | p. 111 |
| If You Couldn't Kill it, You Shouldn't Eat It | p. 114 |
| The Meaning is Always in the Prepositions | p. 118 |
| A Mangy Dog Will Let Anybody Scratch It | p. 121 |
| Cheap Compliments Are Seldom Worth Their Price | p. 125 |
| Learn to Love Those You Don't Even Like | p. 128 |
| Don't Create a Situation Where There are More Piglets Than Teats | p. 131 |
| In Our Lying Operations, Fence Construction is Always the Costliest Expense | p. 134 |
| The Cleanest Uniforms are on Those who Play the Least | p. 137 |
| The Best News Analysis is Always on the Late Night Comedy Shows | p. 140 |
| Maybe Things Won't Turn Out Well: The Worrier Should at Least Receive Some Reward | p. 143 |
| Always Trust Your Spouse, but Hire a Good Private Investigator | p. 146 |
| If You are Young, Worry about the Laius not the Oedipus Complex | p. 150 |
| Appreciate the Fact that the Whole of Creation was Made Just for You | p. 154 |
| History Never Repeats Itself; We Have to Try to Live it Right the Only Time Around | p. 158 |
| Index of Authors | |
| About the Author | |
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