Parenting is stressful. For many parents, who are always busy, usually tired, and probably not trained in dealing with children, the words "tranquility" and "parenting" do not often go together. Don't you just wish there were something out there, some knowledge or technique, that could help you become calm, content, and confident as a parent (and as a person)? Something that you could have on hand all the time to help you through your most challenging situations and stressful days? Something that provided an accurate compass for the hard work of raising children, dealing with the world, and maybe even finding a little contentment along the way?
Well, there is something, and it comes from a wisdom tradition that has been helping people through difficult situations for about 2300 years. The psychological techniques developed by ancient Stoics have recently been rediscovered, and Stoicism is enjoying a renaissance among people from all walks of life who are looking for fulfillment, tranquility, and yes, the meaning of life. Modern Stoicism has straightforward answers to all these questions, as well as practical techniques for achieving eudaimonia (the Greek word for "human flourishing"). But you don't have to take my word for it: Stoicism encourages everyone to think things through for themselves and use their own capacity for reason and goodness. And once you learn the basic principles of Stoicism, you can apply them all the time, in any situation.
Tranquility Parenting describes how I discovered modern Stoicism and what it can offer to stressed-out parents of the 21st century. As a mother of three young children, I used to constantly doubt my parenting abilities: Why aren't my kids minding? Why am I so frustrated with them? What am I doing wrong? I don't know how to raise children! And what if something bad happens to them? I felt anxious, frustrated, and guilty about my perceived failings as a parent. When I began learning about Stoicism, I felt as if I'd found a great, secret treasure. Suddenly I had answers, and I slowly realized that all of my worries, doubts, and frustrations about parenting had no place in my life. Now, as a practicing Stoic, I feel confident and calm with my kids (even when they misbehave!), and as a result I have much more energy to be fully engaged and happy with them. I believe all parents can benefit from Stoic principles, and I'd like to share what modern Stoicism can offer to modern parents.
What will this book do for you? It will not tell you how to potty train your child, but it will tell you how to enjoy the time you spend potty training your child. It will not tell you how to monitor your teen on facebook, but it will show you how to use practical wisdom to make decisions about media and internet consumption. It will not tell you how to make your kids eat vegetables, but it will explain how to be present and engaged while you are teaching your kids to eat vegetables. Psychology research confirms that Stoicism can be a very effective psychological tool for reaching personal and moral excellence--in other words, to flourish as a person (and as a parent). So if you are willing to invest time and energy in applying Stoic insights, you may find that tranquility parenting is not only possible, but the only possible option for you and your family.
And finally, this book is written by someone who practices applying these insights every day. I am a former academic who is now a stay-at-home parent to a one-year-old, a three-year-old, and a four-year-old. My current occupation is an ideal testing ground for the principles of Stoicism, and I think other parents will feel comfortable hearing from someone who is going through the same things they are and who understands how they feel. Although I am neither a parenting "expert" nor a philosophy or psychotherapy professional, I have extensively read, thought about, and applied Stoic principles to my parenting every day.
In writing this book, I consider myself an interpreter: I am translating general Stoic thought, which will probably not reach most parents, into a format that is accessible to anyone with a desire to improve herself as a parent. I am not adding new ideas or making new claims. Stoicism has a long and noble tradition of being applied by many different people in many different ways, and I am simply continuing the tradition. I also think of this book as a gateway to further study of Stoicism. Readers who are content to put into practice a just few of these techniques will still benefit. For those who wish to know more, there are many resources and readily available.
To summarize the advantages of using Stoicism as the basis of a parenting book:
*It is rooted in deep wisdom that has been passed down for 2,000 years. Stoicism represents a complete, coherent system of wisdom.
*It has been proven effective in a wide variety of situations, not just parenting, and therefore Stoic principles can also be used in other parts of life (work, marriage, etc.).
*The Stoics are famous for their psychological insight and mental techniques that actually help people attain tranquility and be more effective in life. Current psychology research empirically confirms what has been anecdotally confirmed for centuries.
*Readers who wish to know more have an ample literature and worldwide learning community for support.
Industry Reviews
Polat, a practitioner of stoicism and creator of apparentstoic.com, draws on the philosophical school’s practical and relevant wisdom in a straightforward and lucidly presented primer on stoic parenting. She is careful to differentiate stoicism’s contemporary connotations—as referring to “someone who doesn’t show or even feel any emotion”—from the classical teachings of Seneca, Epictetus, and Marcus Aurelius, who prized “emotional tranquility in tough situations” and a logical approach to positive and negative emotions alike as a path to “lasting peace and happiness” not tied to material goods or fleeting emotions. Noting the Stoics were “master psychologists,” Polat finds their ideas applicable to “difficult situations” commonly encountered with children, including resistance to potty training, intra-sibling jealousy, and back talk to parents. In eight short chapters, Polat walks readers through giving up the need for control, rethinking value judgments, teaching children values, and in general becoming, in Seneca’s words, “cheerful, calm, and undisturbed.” While Polat’s work may not replace mindfulness with tranquility as the new self-care buzzword, it makes a good case for the applicability of an ancient intellectual tradition to modern child care.
