| Introduction | p. ix |
| May's Britain, a broad sunlit upland | p. 1 |
| Italian engine, charismatic, would like to meet small Japanese sports car for shed frolics | p. 5 |
| Old things - not as good as they once were | p. 9 |
| How not to drive like an Italian | p. 13 |
| The rot stops here | p. 17 |
| Join the police and look really stupid | p. 21 |
| A postcard from France, part I | p. 25 |
| The strange case of the missing Panda | p. 29 |
| If the car fits, wear it | p. 33 |
| Thank you for buying an unfinished car | p. 37 |
| Is there a doctor in the garage? | p. 41 |
| Trust me, I was a choirboy | p. 45 |
| The seed of despair | p. 49 |
| Cheese grater, plug, wheel. It's obvious | p. 53 |
| When you have finished reading, you may hang up | p. 57 |
| Citroën Ooh La La | p. 61 |
| A postcard from France, part II | p. 65 |
| Dogs should be able to buy their own biscuits | p. 69 |
| The incredible disappearing road | p. 73 |
| What Audi could learn from Jesus | p. 77 |
| Maxing the Veyron - a piece of cake | p. 81 |
| The double-ended sword of motoring progress | p. 85 |
| Mercedes Benz forever | p. 89 |
| One good thing came out of the 1970s | p. 93 |
| Out of date and out of mind | p. 97 |
| Rubbish in, rubbish out | p. 101 |
| A postcard from France, part III | p. 105 |
| The pointy end of motorcycle purchasing | p. 109 |
| The case for cat-nav | p. 113 |
| Driving is easy, and that's just as well | p. 117 |
| That North Pole nonsense | p. 121 |
| A brief history of history | p. 125 |
| Give me a car, not a cuddly toy | p. 129 |
| We are not amused | p. 133 |
| A load of horse's arse | p. 137 |
| Porsche - taste the difference | p. 141 |
| A postcard from France, part IV | p. 145 |
| The future of motor racing, and it's cheap | p. 149 |
| Cars are rubbish | p. 153 |
| Er, cars are great | p. 157 |
| Brochure rage part I | p. 161 |
| Old bag dies after 25 years as my friend | p. 165 |
| Triples all round | p. 169 |
| Rolls-Royce - no longer a car for clowns | p. 173 |
| A modernist's guide to the Goodwood Revival | p. 177 |
| How the small car will save the car | p. 181 |
| Eee I 'ad one of them - best bike ever | p. 185 |
| The queen of clean | p. 189 |
| Motoring holiday spoiled by tasteless curtains | p. 193 |
| A balanced view on the irrelevance of handling | p. 197 |
| First class super saver day return - by Fiat | p. 201 |
| How the three-day week improved your car | p. 205 |
| Mercedes-Benz, now you're just being silly | p. 209 |
| The curse of carbon | p. 213 |
| The two most boring men in Britain | p. 217 |
| Small electrical fault, would suit enthusiast | p. 221 |
| Brochure rage part II | p. 225 |
| The Bentley in outer space | p. 229 |
| Cars for art's sake | p. 233 |
| The domestic cooker - an underrated appliance | p. 237 |
| The coupé that doesn't cheer | p. 241 |
| The difficulty of going nowhere | p. 245 |
| Why we should take heart from car makers | p. 249 |
| The car - what were they thinking of? | p. 253 |
| James Bond would like to thank his sponsors | p. 257 |
| Harley-Davidson, hardly appropriate | p. 261 |
| The biggest spanner in the world | p. 265 |
| Brown must go | p. 269 |
| I saw the light, and saw that it was poor | p. 273 |
| Australians singing in shower - world will end | p. 277 |
| Once more, with feeling | p. 281 |
| No jam tomorrow | p. 285 |
| Index | p. 289 |
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