Textbook Romance

1.

Defining the Probability of Needing This Book

In this lesson, you'll learn whether you're a good candidate for relationship advice, or whether you could have just bought several packets of Fantales and not worried about this book.

Italicised text in brackets are Hamish's comments

Did you know Goldie Hawn was born on 21-11-45? Now we're just as good as Fantales.

You have purchased, stolen or been given this book because:

• *You believe (or someone who knows you does) that you could benefit from some relationship advice.
• *You are at a crossroads in your relationship.
• *You buy guides and textbooks for every other aspect of your life - why not love?
• *You're dyslexic and thought the title read Teri Hatcher: A Biography.

This book isn't for everyone. For instance, Grandpa, you should probably put it down. There are swear words and notions of sex.

I guarantee you, that didn't make Grandpa put it down – he just flicked ahead.

It is for women (single, dating or in a Proper Relationship) who feel baffled and frustrated by men, or who know that, deep down, they could be happier in their romantic relationships.

It is for women who are DOING THEIR HEAD IN waiting for "That Guy" to call, or text, or email, or exhibit some sign of a pulse.

It is for women who 'always seem to end up with arseholes'.

It is for women who are bored of complaining to their girlfriends that they can't find a man. Or a decent one who doesn't play games.

It is for women who are sick of analysing their boyfriend's actions to the point of madness.

And it is for women who feel like they have lost themselves in their relationship.

It is for women who don't mind having a book that is pre-scribbled on, and doesn't appear to have been discounted for it.

In a series of simple lessons (and by simple I mean extraordinarily difficult) this book instructs you on how to be more in control of, more at peace with, and more successful in your romantic relationships. We used the textbook format for several reasons. One is so that you can refer back to pertinent lessons with ease when you need them. Another is because we wanted to make it absolutely transparent how important it is to possess an artillery of reliable strategy and intelligence if you want to find that elusive "Perfect Relationship", and by being forced to learn it in a recognisably educational format, you're more likely to take it seriously and remember it. Finally, it's fun to make pie charts.

You'll learn what it is you are doing to inhibit your happiness and your chances of a fulfilling relationship. You will learn how to deal with the fact that when it comes to biological wiring, men and women are roughly the same as a bedside lamp and a killer whale.

Also, it was easier than tracking down Ms Winston from your old high school to explain it to you. I wonder how old 'wobbles' Winston is doing these days . . . ?

It won't all be sweets and slippery dips, though - the rebuilding of your confidence and fostering of an understanding of how this all works requires dedication and the valuing of long-term satisfaction over instant gratification.

Then you can have some sweets and slippery dips.

TAKE A TEST

For the following questions, award yourself 22.1 points for every 'Yes' and 14.6 for every 'No'.

Are you:

Unhappily single?

Happily single?

Releasing a single?

Unhappily single but pretending you're happily single?

Single because every time you're offered a shot at love, you freak out?

Single because he is incapable of committing to more than just casual sex?

Dating a guy who is doing your head in?

Dating a guy whose head you are doing in?

In a new relationship?

In a new relationship you're worried you may ruin?

In a new relationship that he is sabotaging day by day?

In a new relationship but angry he won't admit to it on Facebook?

In a relationship that has lost its excitement?

In a solid relationship that doesn't seem to be progressing?

In a solid relationship that features the same fights again and again?

In a solid relationship with a wobbly looking future?

In a solid relationship that needs some refreshing?

In a solid relationship but considering breaking out?

In a solid-steel shipping crate?

If your final answer was a number over 14.6, then this book is definitely something you should read, underline furiously and read again.

Or buy a new copy to underline again, and again. I promise this suggestion to re-purchase the book has nothing to do with the fact that I would like a new television.

Also, at the end of each chapter, if there's some room left and no one is looking, I may actually have some sort of thought on the topic discussed in the chapter. I can't guarantee I'll have one every time, but if I do, I'll pounce on it. Nor can I guarantee these thoughts will be of the highest quality, as we can see by this one, which is essentially just a promise to try and have more thoughts. Enjoy the book.