Leaning into Sharp Points

As the title suggests, nobody wants to think about the death of a loved one. Yet, statistics show that at least once in almost everyone’s life they will become a caregiver, and those who accept this responsibility will learn that they must face directly and honestly not only a loved one’s decline and death, but other painful and difficult situations.

Learning Into Shapp Points by Stan Goldberg, PhD, is a book of preparation, regardless if it will be needed next week or in the distant future. Most people want to be as helpful as they can. The problem is they may not have the knowledge or experience to do it. The suggestions are equally relevant for the occasional visit to a dying loved one as for 24/7 caregiving.

Instead of viewing death as if it is a single event, Dr. Goldberg believes it’s more helpful to think of it as beginning with the terminal diagnosis of a loved one and ending with the caregiver’s recovery from grief. Regardless of what stage of dying a loved one is in, caregivers will find the suggestions in this book applicable and practical. Each serves two functions: They ease a loved one’s death and reduce a caretaker’s grief. The book is based on Dr. Goldberg’s experiences rather than on theory.

Learning Into Shapp Points addresses the two biggest concerns of caregivers: What should I expect? and What can I do to help? From Dr. Goldberg’s experience, what is often lacking in advice in dealing with the dying is compassion and honesty, two things our loved ones need most. Caregivers seek guidance on what should be said and done to meet the emotional needs of loved ones from the time of a terminal diagnosis until the moment of death. And until now, no book has simply and gently explained what a person can do to make the death of a loved one easier, and as a consequence reduce the intensity and duration of their own grieving.

Information and support usually becomes available after-the-fact: Grief groups after a loved one has died or hospice support after someone has made the decision to receive services. What people have asked for, based on responses to a needs questionnaire developed by the author, is advance information covering the full spectrum of dying — from prognosis to recovery from grief — compassionately conveyed by someone who speaks from experience. From the practical to the emotional, caregivers will find out how to care for loved ones, assist with transitions, and also take care of themselves.

Sections include descriptions of each stage of the dying process through to the experience of letting go and the grief following a death. The book offers suggestions for questions to ask and things to discuss, from practical matters such as pain medication and legal documents to the often more challenging topics of when it is time to say goodbye. Dr. Goldberg discusses support groups and professional support as well as how to take care of the caregiver to avoid burnout and illness. Finally, he guides readers to a place where they can regain joy, finding peace and solace.

In this remarkable book, Stan Goldberg compassionately takes readers by the hand, from learning about a loved one’s terminal prognosis to regaining joy after they die. He does this by providing practical suggestions ranging from the simplicity of sitting rather than standing next to the bed, to giving a heart-wrenching permission to die.