Dear Cthulhu

The Collected Advice Columns of Dear Cthulhu, Vol. 7

By: Patrick Thomas

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Paperback | 8 July 2025

At a Glance

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100 Pages

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22.86 x 15.24 x 0.61

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Overwhelmed? Feeling out of control? It's Okay. Let Cthulhu Take The Wheel.

Dear Cthulhu,

I have a daughter who's driving me crazy. She used to be a wonderful child, as sweet as can be. Ever since she turned 13, she has done nothing but yell and scream at everybody and tell us what horrible parents we are. I work sixty hours a week so I don't have much time at home. I was used to having quality time with my kid when I came home, not this teenaged battlefield. My wife goes to church a lot and thinks my daughter is possessed. She even wants our daughter to have an exorcism, but the minister at the church won't do it unless both parents sign off. It seems members of other churches have killed children in the past who just had epilepsy or things like that so the form is a necessity. I was homeschooled and only had brothers, so I'm not really sure what the best way to raise a daughter is. Despite that, it doesn't seem to me that exorcism is the right way to go. What do you think I should do?

-Dad At The End Of His Line In Lafayette

Dear Lafayette,

Cthulhu highly doubts that your daughter is possessed. What is most likely happening is she has hit puberty and hormones are raging through her and making her act the way you describe. It is not uncommon for human females to become loud, argumentative, and angry during this change in life. It can happen to males as well, but the females of your species seem to have gotten it worse. What your daughter needs is for you to remain as calm as possible, give her space, and from what Cthulhu's letters have told me, provide her with lots of chocolate. On the plus side, in five to ten years, she should be out living on her own so you only have to do your best to hold on until then. I've had naps that lasted longer than that.

Industry Reviews

Praise for Dear Cthulhu:

"A crazy fun collection...Great Cthulhu dispenses a sardonic brand of advice that will make you giggle and snort with horrified glee...some very funny and dark Q & A's that will have Lovecraft fans shrieking with laughter." - J. L. Comeau, Creature Feature

"When Cthulhu approached me to write an advice column for my 'zine, I was a bit skeptical. But how could I to say no to mighty Cthulhu? I mean really, he was mad enough when I told him he could only have one page. But it turned out to be the best page in the entire 'zine. Absolutely. The BEST! Now can I please be released from my enslavement in the blurb mines, oh great one?" -Michael D. Pederson, Publisher/Editor, Nth Degree

"FUN." - Nick Cato, THE HORROR FICTION REVIEW

"Dear Cthulhu provides the finest advice to needy readers. Lord Cthulhu is the greatest and mightiest provider of guidance for mere mortals. Dear Abby is like unto a flea on His behind in comparison. Dr. Phil is but carbuncle upon one of His mighty appendages. All hail Great Cthulhu, eldest of the Old Ones, and your ONE source for sound advice. If you want to stay out of Arkham Asylum, Dear Cthulhu is your only hope." - Hildy Silverman, Publisher, Space and Time Magazine

"As an elder god, Great Cthulhu has the experience to answer the questions that would drive lesser advice columnists to madness, and he does so with a sensitivity that gives one hope for the years of chaos and darkness to come when he rises from the depths." -David Lee Summers, Editor Tales of the Talisman Magazine and author of Owl Dance.

"Dear Cthulhu is the first step toward enlightenment, by way of electro-convulsive therapy. I've been reading Dear Cthulhu for years! The doctors say I may never recover. Dear Cthulhu is better than a sandblaster to your crotch and twice as fun!" -Michael Amorel, Publisher Cthulhu Sex Magazine

"More action-packed than Jerry Springer re-runs, yet safer than being aboard a train wreck. This is sofa therapy at its best... Dear Cthulhu has singlehandedly upset entire sects of people in South America... "How was I supposed to know that it was unhealthy to sleep with a C.H.U.D.? No one gives better advice or dishes it so real as Dear Cthulhu..." - Samantha "edie" Collins, editor of Dig This Real magazine

"Basically it's a Dear Abby for the Mythos-addicted, and it's meant to be a quick and fun read - which it is." - Nancy Greene, Flames Rising

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