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Cthulhu Happens : A Dear Cthulhu Collection - Patrick Thomas

Cthulhu Happens

A Dear Cthulhu Collection

By: Patrick Thomas

Paperback | 20 December 2018

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The fifth volume of everyone's favorite monster giving good advice for bad people because as everyone knows Cthulhu Happens!

Cthulhu will one day rise up to claim the Earth and its inhabitants as his own.
The Great Old One has looked upon Humankind and found it lacking.
Cthulhu has deemed it necessary to prepare Humankind for his coming
Thus, Cthulhu now answers humanity's questions to help them better themselves.

Dear Cthulhu,

I don't know if you're familiar with the new app Pokey-A-Guy Go, but it's all the rage. You take your phone and it uses the GPS to capture these mythical creatures on your phone in order to play a game. This game has changed my life and I don't even use it. Unfortunately, the program has put one of the rarest Pokey-A-Guy creatures in the middle of my living room. Ever since this got out, I've been having people breaking into my house day and night in order to get this Pokey-A-Guy. I've called the company and they had been less than responsive to my requests to change it. It's running into serious money. I've had to replace my window broken windows seven times and have even had to get the locks and even the door when it got knocked in on the door fixed. The police are getting tired of responding to the break-ins. It's driving me nuts. What can I do?

- Pokey-A-Guy Pandemonium Sufferer in Poughkeepsie

Dear Sufferer,

The first thing you need to do is shore up your security and get better doors and lock. Then install video monitors and put up signs stating that you will prosecute. I know you said you did not have much money but my next bit of advice will help you to more than pay for it. If these gamers are so fanatical that they'd be breaking into your home to get this virtual creature, then offer them the chance to come in and capture it for a hundred bucks each. This way you get a chance to control the traffic flow and take in some extra cash and these people get to play their game. It's a win-win for everyone.

Industry Reviews

Praise for Dear Cthulhu:

"A crazy fun collection...Great Cthulhu dispenses a sardonic brand of advice that will make you giggle and snort with horrified glee...some very funny and dark Q & A's that will have Lovecraft fans shrieking with laughter." - J. L. Comeau, Creature Feature

"When Cthulhu approached me to write an advice column for my 'zine, I was a bit skeptical. But how could I to say no to mighty Cthulhu? I mean really, he was mad enough when I told him he could only have one page. But it turned out to be the best page in the entire 'zine. Absolutely. The BEST! Now can I please be released from my enslavement in the blurb mines, oh great one?" -Michael D. Pederson, Publisher/Editor, Nth Degree

"FUN." - Nick Cato, THE HORROR FICTION REVIEW

"Dear Cthulhu provides the finest advice to needy readers. Lord Cthulhu is the greatest and mightiest provider of guidance for mere mortals. Dear Abby is like unto a flea on His behind in comparison. Dr. Phil is but carbuncle upon one of His mighty appendages. All hail Great Cthulhu, eldest of the Old Ones, and your ONE source for sound advice. If you want to stay out of Arkham Asylum, Dear Cthulhu is your only hope." - Hildy Silverman, Publisher, Space and Time Magazine

"As an elder god, Great Cthulhu has the experience to answer the questions that would drive lesser advice columnists to madness, and he does so with a sensitivity that gives one hope for the years of chaos and darkness to come when he rises from the depths." -David Lee Summers, Editor Tales of the Talisman Magazine and author of Owl Dance.

"Dear Cthulhu is the first step toward enlightenment, by way of electro-convulsive therapy. I've been reading Dear Cthulhu for years! The doctors say I may never recover. Dear Cthulhu is better than a sandblaster to your crotch and twice as fun!" -Michael Amorel, Publisher Cthulhu Sex

"More action-packed than Jerry Springer re-runs, yet safer than being aboard a train wreck. This is sofa therapy at its best... Dear Cthulhu has singlehandedly upset entire sects of people in South America... "How was I supposed to know that it was unhealthy to sleep with a C.H.U.D.? No one gives better advice or dishes it so real as Dear Cthulhu..." - Samantha "edie" Collins, editor of Dig This Real magazine

"Basically it's a Dear Abby for the Mythos-addicted, and it's meant to be a quick and fun read -- which it is." - Nancy Greene, Flames Rising