Could Do Better

Norman McGreevy's illustrated selection of schoolchildren's struggles with the pitfalls of the English language ranges from hilarious howlers on topics like history and religion to ridiculous spelling errors, grammatical catastrophes and malapropisms.

Examples include:

An octopus is a person who hopes for the best.

There are 4 kinds of food - tined, jared, caned & raped.

His mother, being immortal, had died.

Running is a great sport, and I thank God for exposing me to the track team.

I took out a book to read and settled down to read, but soon put it down because I couldn't read.

Romeo and Juliet tell each other how much they are in love in the baloney scene.

She draped her posterior over a grubby stool.

The equator is a menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.

Clowns tie their trousers with string which, when it is pulled, shows a hair-raising scene.

At the age of 17 I have finally been accepted by my family.

Pavlov studied the salvation of dogs.

Trigonometry is when a lady marries three men at the same time.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

The feminine of manager is managerie.

The two kinds of book printed are friction and non-friction.

Tarzan is a short name for the American flag. It's full name is Tarzan Stripes.

Catharsisis a psychological means of stopping a catarrh. It illustrates the influence of mind over body.

Mastication is what the Italians do with their hands when they talk English.

Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

Henry met Becket on the altar steps and severely massacred him.

The Pilgrim Fathers became a big band of Quackers.

The leader of the Bolsheviks was John Lennon.