As a trained psychologist and parent to six daughters (three of whom are teenagers), Dr Justin Coulson knows his stuff when it comes to parenting. He’s the bestselling author of a number of books on the subject, including 9 Ways to a Resilient Child, 10 Things Every Parent Needs to Know and now Miss-connection, a guide to surviving and thriving through your daughter’s teenage years.
Today, Justin’s on the blog to answer some of our questions about this new book. Read on!
Tell us about your book, Miss-Connection.
JC: I’ve read some really interesting books about teen girls in recent years, but I felt like there was more to the story. I wanted to really understand the hearts and minds of adolescent girls. Parents are constantly asking for advice and I knew this could help. So I surveyed and interviewed close to 400 of them asking about their lives, their likes, their loves, their secrets, and whatever else they’d tell me. And they told me some surprising things. The book unpacks those interviews and surveys, marries data to the stories girls shared with me, and offers evidence-based, accessible tips for parents to connect better with their daughters at a tricky phase of life.
Dr Justin Coulson (centre) with his family.
What inspired you to write Miss-connection?
JC: I’m a dad to 6 daughters, and if I’m being really honest, I was struggling with one of those daughters pretty badly when I launched the project. I wanted to “get” what it was like to be her. This was a way for me to learn more about being a better, more understanding father for her and the 5 other girls too!
You surveyed close to 400 teenage girls during the course of your research for this book. Is there anything you learnt from speaking to them that really surprised you?
JC: Lots … but for the sake of brevity I’ll just mention a couple of them. First, their level of excitement and faith in their futures is amazing. They really are hopeful and optimistic about their futures – and they know they’re living at a remarkable time for women. There’s still room for improvement, but it’s incredible and they know it.
Second, they love being close to us but they really, really want to live their own lives – and they’re willing to be pretty sneaky to get what they want. Hearing them talk about their tricks was … enlightening.
Third, I was so touched by the way they expressed their love and gratitude to us, their parents. They don’t say it to us often (well, not all of them do), but they love us. They want to be connected so deeply. They are yearning for us to be in their lives, close by, and engaged. They just want to be able to leave us at arms length when it suits them as they venture into adulthood.
What do you think is the biggest challenge facing teenage girls today?
JC: I think it’s the same challenge that we all face as teens: discovering who we are. As adults we know it’s an evolving process that may continue throughout our lives. But the hard work of identity development is done in adolescence. I think it’s harder today, though, because our girls have so much distracting them from doing that work. Parents, pressures, school, screens, and more all make constant noise that may drown out their inner voice. That’s the challenge. Figuring out “who am I?”
What do you think is the impact that social media has had on girls trying to navigate their teenage years?
JC: I guess I alluded to that in the previous answer. It seems to be linked in at least small ways to most major challenges teen girls face. It is linked to their identity development, their relationships, their body image, their mental health, their interactions with parents, their school achievement, and more. Does it have a big impact? It depends on too many factors to give a clear answer. Does it cause these difficulties? Science still can’t tell us that. It’s a contentious issue. But screens and social media seem linked to most of the big issues teens are navigating.
What is the most common mistake that parents trying to connect with their teenage daughter can make?
JC: I asked the girls for advice on this issue. Their response: “give us space”. It seems that, from their perspective, we’re crowding them – reducing their sense of autonomy. Too much control is corrosive to our relationships. And it ties in with a major theme of the book, which is that “they’ve got to do the next bit on their own.”
Another big one that came up a lot when I read between the lines was that we aren’t telling them we love them enough, that we’re proud of them, that we actually like them – that they’re great people. So many of them don’t feel “worthy”. We need to help them feel that.
What’s the one thing you’d like readers of Miss-connection to take away with them?
JC: Only one thing? Wow … that’s tough. I’m going to be sneaky and combine a couple of answers into one sentence.
I’d love readers to see their daughters for the remarkable humans they are, to connect with them in meaningful ways, and to establish a relationship that helps those girls to become strong, caring, mature women.
And finally, what’s up next for you?
JC: I will be giving a lot of talks in schools around the country about this book and my research. And … there’s been a LOT of people asking me to please do something for their sons. So I’m starting some research and I’m guessing we’ll be talking a lot about boys in a couple of years when another new book comes out!
Thanks Justin!
Find out more about Miss-connection and Dr Justin Coulson’s work here.
Miss-connection
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