In 'Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today's Parents', Deborah Gray is able to translate into the written word the same caring, compassion, and respect that she shows toward both child and parent in her person-to-person contacts. In this book she returns again and again to the importance of both nurturing and structure in working to form close family relationships; the striking part is how well she is able to provide both for parents in the writing of this book. She emotionally nurtures parents while providing clear structure for them in creating a family environment that will promote attachments.
In identifying ways to promote attachment, she follows a clear developmental approach, recognizing the needs of children of varying ages and helping parents identify how and where their child might be stuck in earlier stages of development. This is very important aspect of this work; what is necessary at one stage may be inappropriate at another.
My favourite chapters of the book, however, are two of the shorter ones. Both fill gaps in the adoption literature for parents. The chapter on 'Trauma and Traumatic Loss' translates the more recent information on the physiologic and psychological effects of trauma, as reported in the professional literature, into material that parents can understand and use in their day to day parenting.
The second chapter that I particularly like is the one on 'Building Emotional Intelligence'. In this section, Deborah again takes the material from non-adoption sources and translates it into very practical ideas for adoptive parents to use in helping their child build and maintain healthy friendships. She identifies the gaps that children may have in their skills and provides ideas for remediation. As Deborah points out, "Skill in building and retaining healthy friendships is highly correlated with future happiness in life - much more so than are academic skills."
Although this book is primarily written for parents, most professionals in the area of adoption will find a wealth of practical ideas for helping parents be successful in building attachments with their adopted children.
