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When It's Time to Leave Your Lover : A Guide for Gay Men - Neil Kaminsky

When It's Time to Leave Your Lover

A Guide for Gay Men

Paperback Published: 10th September 1999
ISBN: 9781560239383
Number Of Pages: 308

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When It's Time to Leave Your Lover: A Guide for Gay Men is for people who need help ending a gay male relationship that is no longer viable or for friends and family who want to support a gay man experiencing a breakup. This book provides tips on how to successfully cope with the post-breakup period and how to grow emotionally from the experience. You will discover how to tell a lover good-bye while learning about the psychological and social changes to be anticipated in this situation. When It's Time to Leave Your Lover gives you helpful, practical advice on how to cope with ending a relationship in a positive and constructive manner.

This unique book contains actual interviews with gay men and vignettes that clearly illustrate the topics. They provide you with a deeper understanding of all aspects of the break-up period. When It's Time to Leave Your Lover is a unique how-to book that gives you helpful and practical advice on such important issues as:

  • making an assessment of your relationship to determine if it is no longer viable
  • constructively leaving your partner and making it a positive experience
  • coping with the uncoupling experience by using specific techniques to avoid common mistakes such as the rebound relationship
  • growing from your uncoupling experience so you can enjoy more fulfilling relationships in the future
  • managing the social and psychological effects of a breakup through use of your support system of family and friends
  • seeking support through specific organizations available in several different cities that help gay men deal with breakups
Sincere and full of knowledgeable advice, When It's Time to Leave Your Lover offers proven suggestions that will help you revisit the mistakes you made during your relationship, preparing you for more satisfying relationships in the future that are based on compatibility, respect, and trust. A valuable and reader-friendly book, When It's Time to Leave Your Lover will enhance your understanding of the break-up experience and will help you understand, learn from, and get past the heartache of ending a relationship.

Acknowledgmentsp. xi
Introductionp. 1
Who Could Benefit from This Bookp. 3
Value-Free Descriptions of Human Behavior Do Not Existp. 4
What I Do Not Address in This Bookp. 4
The Term "Gay Community"p. 5
How to Use, and How Not to Use, This Bookp. 5
Chapter Outlinep. 7
Ambivalence and Uncouplingp. 9
Couples Therapy and Staying Togetherp. 9
Homophobia and (I'm Not Paranoid) Our Enemiesp. 10
Lovesickp. 13
Reinventing Your Life: Making the Decision to Leave Himp. 29
Resistance to Letting Gop. 30
Confusion from the Startp. 36
A Change in Needsp. 38
Separation/Individuation versus Mergingp. 44
Loving a Fantasyp. 45
Trustp. 46
What Love Can't Dop. 49
Friends Before Loversp. 51
Denialp. 53
Chemicals and Physical Violencep. 55
Never Forgivenp. 58
Power and Controlp. 61
Jealousyp. 63
Dysfunctional Needsp. 65
Self-Image and Second-Class Relationshipp. 67
Obligation versus Desirep. 69
The Opposite of Emotional Supportp. 70
Sexp. 72
The One-Person Relationshipp. 75
Putting It Togetherp. 76
How to Break Up Like a Grown-Up: Healthy Ways of Saying Good-Byep. 79
The Breakup Fightp. 81
Breaking Up Is Your Decisionp. 83
Acceptancep. 84
Anger and Punishmentp. 84
Where and How to Do It: Practical Considerationsp. 86
Crying and Manipulation and Forgetting the Whole Thingp. 98
Drinking, Other Chemicals, and Your Physical Staminap. 99
Violencep. 100
What and What Not to Sayp. 100
Moving Outp. 102
Getting Your Stuff Backp. 105
A Word on Behavior and Thoughts and Feelingsp. 107
Now That You Are Singlep. 108
A Time of Pain: Dealing with the Emotional Aftermath of a Gay Divorcep. 109
Abrupt Loss and Sadnessp. 110
Depression Is Not Sadnessp. 112
Identity Disruptionp. 117
Confusion and Unrealityp. 120
Disappointmentp. 125
Failure and Homophobic Failure Messagesp. 127
You No Longer Live Here: Social and Other Life Changes of Breaking Upp. 133
Running into Your Ex on the Street and in Other Placesp. 134
Explaining Your New Status to the Worldp. 137
Relationship Secrets Becoming Publicp. 138
Unsolicited and Solicited Information About Himp. 139
What Happens to His Friends and You?p. 142
What About Your Friends and Him?p. 143
The Ex, Friends, and Sex: Can Your Friends Now Date Your Ex?p. 144
Your Free Time: Anxiety and New Activitiesp. 148
Creating the Ex-Relationship: Developing the Kind of Contact You Wantp. 155
Contacting Himp. 159
Your First Meeting Togetherp. 161
Your New Associationp. 163
What If You Have No Interest in Ever Seeing Him Again?p. 171
When You Should Have Nothing to Do with Him Againp. 173
Reasons You Want to See Himp. 175
In Summaryp. 177
Remembering the Misery: Why You Shouldn't Go Backp. 179
Self-Esteem Issuesp. 182
Remembering the Misery (Emotionally)p. 183
How Do You Rate Your Current Life?p. 185
A Unilateral Decision Againp. 190
If the Future Is Without Himp. 191
Alone Again: Facing the Difficulties, Appreciating the Benefitsp. 193
Growing Upp. 193
The Real Lousy Parts of Being Without a Loverp. 195
The Need to Connectp. 196
Being in Love Againp. 198
The Benefits of Being Alonep. 200
Reevaluating Your Life: A Time for Major Life Changep. 203
Dating: Fun with a Purposep. 209
How to Say No to the Rebound Trap: Taking a Relationship Vacationp. 213
You Need a Vacationp. 216
What Is Rebounding?p. 216
Grieving and Reboundingp. 217
Bad Feelings About Gay Relationshipsp. 225
Bad Feelings Engendered in Your Exp. 226
But Not Even Dating? Come on, Give Me a Breakp. 226
How Do You Avoid Rebounding?p. 229
When You Are Ready to Datep. 231
Learning the Lessons of Your Ex-Relationshipp. 233
It's All About Youp. 234
Your Needsp. 235
Ignoring Red Flagsp. 239
Your Communication Stylep. 241
That Gay Problemp. 244
Honesty and Dishonestyp. 246
Your Sex Lifep. 250
The General Rules of Your Relationshipp. 252
Age Differencesp. 253
Starting Over: Loving a Manp. 257
Some Factors of Relationship Successp. 258
Pointing Toward Tomorrowp. 274
Gay Community Resourcesp. 279
Notesp. 283
Bibliographyp. 285
Indexp. 287
Table of Contents provided by Syndetics. All Rights Reserved.

ISBN: 9781560239383
ISBN-10: 1560239387
Audience: Professional
Format: Paperback
Language: English
Number Of Pages: 308
Published: 10th September 1999
Publisher: Taylor & Francis Inc
Country of Publication: US
Dimensions (cm): 20.32 x 15.24  x 1.91
Weight (kg): 0.48
Edition Number: 1