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The Ways We Love : A Developmental Approach to Treating Couples - Sheila A. Sharpe

The Ways We Love

A Developmental Approach to Treating Couples

Paperback

Published: 1st February 2004
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This innovative volume delineates a developmental theory of love relationships that provides a comprehensive framework for treating couples. Drawing on 30 years of clinical experience, Sheila Sharpe conceptualizes marriage and other committed partnerships as comprising multiple patterns of relating that develop over time in a parallel, though interconnected, fashion. Seven universal patterns of intimate relating are identified: nurturing, merging, idealizing, devaluing, controlling, competing for superiority, and competing in love triangles. In this multifaceted formulation, each pattern has its origins in early development, is reworked in different ways throughout life, and expresses everyone's basic needs for both connection and separateness. The book describes common problems that couples encounter in the normal development of each pattern, as well as the kinds of defensive interactions that result when a couple's development is more seriously disrupted. Guided by this framework, clinicians learn ways to precisely assess and more effectively treat couples experiencing a wide range of difficulties. Clear, vivid clinical illustrations bring to life the entire process of therapy and demonstrate how the therapist's emotional reactions may be used to enhance treatment.

"This book demonstrates that Sharpe is among the most creative and astute couple therapists of our era. Her developmental perspective allows therapists to move beyond a pathologizing stance, and to find a perspective that makes day-to-day stressors more readily understood. Clear and engaging, this book will undoubtedly be useful for both seasoned and less experienced therapists. I have used the book extensively as a text in graduate courses, and my students describe it as practical and inspiring. As a resource to recommend to clients, including new parents and other couples at critical junctures in their lives, The Ways We Love is reassuring and thought-provoking."--Judith Siegel, PhD, Ehrenkranz School of Social Work, New York University

"This engaging, nourishing text offers a well-balanced meal for clinicians and couples. Sharpe calls on her years of clinical experience to identify seven themes in couple relationships--nurturing, merging, idealizing, devaluing, controlling, competing for superiority, and competing in love triangles. Illuminated are the developmental histories of these themes, their adaptive and pathological dimensions, and their consequences both for the relationship and for the partners as individuals. Countering a trend toward oversimplification in this field, Sharpe appreciates complexity. She is remarkably open about her own emotional reactions and evocatively descriptive of her patients' experience. The treatment model elaborated here should be of practical use to both therapists and clients." --Robert Winer, MD., The Washington School of Psychiatry

"The variety and range of relationship difficulties traverse many kinds of distress, defying attempts to organize them into categories. This groundbreaking book graphically illustrates, from a developmental perspective, the manifold ways partners express their relational pain. Sharpe advances the field of couple therapy by delineating seven universal, clinically meaningful patterns of intimate relating. Based on many years of experience treating couples, the book demonstrates rare clinical sophistication. One aspect is a particular gift--Sharpe's honesty and openness in revealing the personal thoughts, feelings, and frustrations that come up for her as a therapist dealing with very difficult situations. The book is easy to read and the case histories are fascinating." --James L. Framo, PhD, Distinguished Professor, Emeritus, United States International University

"Psychoanalysis has concerned itself largely with the development of individuals--and only through the period of adolescence. Sheila Sharpe stretches the psychoanalytic canvas to make space for a developmental model of intimate partnerships. A superbly attentive clinician, she graphs her new schema for us with precision and wit." --Deborah Anna Luepnitz, PhD, author of The Family Interpreted: Psychoanalysis, Feminism and Family Therapy

"This book demonstrates that Sharpe is among the most creative and astute couple therapists of our era. Her developmental perspective allows therapists to move beyond a pathologizing view, while allowing for a full integration of object relations and systems concepts. Her approach to couples work invites us to view the couple's struggles with dignity and compassion. She portrays couples and her work with them in an honest, revealing manner, and, unlike many therapists, recognizes and responds to the impact of day-to-day stressors. The book is clear, engaging, and will undoubtedly be useful for both seasoned and less experienced therapists. I also plan to use it as a text in the graduate-level couples courses I teach." --Judith Siegel, PhD, Associate Professor, Ehrenkranz School of Social Work, New York University

Introductionp. 1
Patterns of Connection
Nurturing
The Foundation of Lovingp. 15
Cultural Myths and Marital Malnourishmentp. 30
The Development of Nurturing: Common Treatment Problemsp. 37
The Caretaker and the Needful Child: A Nurturing Collusionp. 73
Merging
Closeness as Onenessp. 97
The Development of Merging: Common Treatment Problemsp. 100
Idealizing
The Bedrock of Passionp. 125
The Development of Idealizing: Common Treatment Problemsp. 128
The Adoring Parent and the Adorable Child: An Idealizing Collusionp. 161
Patterns of Separateness
Devaluing
"You're No Good!"p. 197
The Development of Devaluing: Common Treatment Problemsp. 201
The Judgmental Parent and the Guilty Child: A Blaming Collusionp. 220
Controlling
Who's in Charge?p. 245
The Development of Controlling: Common Treatment Problemsp. 255
Competing
Who's Better and Vying for Lovep. 279
Winning, Losing, and Genderp. 282
Competing for Superiority: Development and Common Treatment Problemsp. 298
Competing in Love Triangles: Development and Common Treatment Problemsp. 316
Love Triangles in Couple Therapyp. 333
Referencesp. 345
Indexp. 351
Table of Contents provided by Syndetics. All Rights Reserved.

ISBN: 9781593850197
ISBN-10: 1593850190
Series: The Guilford Family Therapy
Audience: Professional
Format: Paperback
Language: English
Number Of Pages: 356
Published: 1st February 2004
Publisher: Guilford Publications
Country of Publication: US
Dimensions (cm): 22.9 x 15.2  x 2.5
Weight (kg): 0.55