Tears of the Moon

Sydney 1995

Lilysat on the floor of her mother's bedroom, feeling like an invader. Drawers of underwear, personal papers, jewelry, and two hat boxes filled with travel souvenirs and memorabilia were scattered around her. Piles of clothes and shoes buried the bed. Her mother's perfume, "Blue Grass," hung in the air and Lily wished she could cry.

She had put off the sorting of her mother's belongings for as long as possible. But now the apartment was on the market and several weeks had passed since the funeral, so she could delay no longer.

Lily noticed that dusk was settling in so she got up, switched on the light and went to pour herself a glass of wine.

How had it happened that she'd never been really close to her own mother and never noticed she had no family? She'd loved her mother, she was different to other mothers it seemed, and now Lily wished with all her heart she'd known her better. Truly known her-what important things had happened in her life that had hurt her, thrilled her. What dreams had never been fulfilled. How she'd felt when Lily was born. They'd never talked of such things. She'd never asked her mother and her mother had never asked her. And now it was too late. The hollow despair of this knowledge caused Lily feelings of guilt, failure and disappointment. Grief was a catalyst for many things and now Lily found the ground beneath her feet distinctly wobbly. Georgiana, her madcap, restless mother, had filled their life with travel and drama and told her how lucky they were to not be tied down by family strings. just the two of them against the world. And Lily had believed her until she had wanted a family of herown and the certainty of being in one place for the years ahead.

Lily wished she had known her mother's family and also her father, or his family. Georgiana had discarded several husbands, including Lily's father. They had met during the war. He was a charming American serviceman and she was young and ready for adventure. There was a swift courtship and what her mother dismissed as a "low-key wedding" before boarding one of the war-bride ships.

Lily had been born in 1947 but apparently life in Torrance, California, was not the life Georgiana had been led to expect after a diet of American movies. Georgiana divorced when Lily was a toddler and saw no reason to maintain any contact with her ex-husband. She gave Lily the

impression that he'd never shown any interest in a child he had barely known. And as for in-laws, Georgiana had shuddered and stressed again how they were the lucky ones, to be as free as birds and able to choose their friends instead of being burdened with unpleasant relatives.

Lily's memories of her youth were of boarding schools and holidays in exotic places with her mother. These were treasured times with just the two of them. Georgiana never inflicted ex-step fathers on Lily and Lily was always broken-hearted at leaving her fun-loving mother at the end of the holidays to return to school. Georgiana made no secret of the fact she had been a difficult and rebellious child and had given her mother hell.

"I was happier in boarding school than stuck over in the west. You'll thank me one day for sending you to good boarding schools," she told Lily.

Georgiana refused to discuss "family," except for flippant remarks and anecdotes that were generally unflattering. She did once say she'd had to keep her family background "a bit quiet" when she went to America as a war bride. "Not that it mattered as it turned out. His lot were Orange County hicks."

So Lily's childhood had been spent in the care of other people, punctuated by periods of travel, with pauses in pensions and tropical Somerset Maugham hotels. Within minutes of arrival anywhere Georgiana had admirers, help from all quarters and entertaining company.

The only reference Georgiana made about her own parents was that her father had died in France during the First World War before she was born and that her mother had lived in the west, a place Georgiana hated. Georgiana caused everyone such trouble that she forced them to put her in boarding school, in Perth, which she far preferred. As soon as she could she moved to Sydney, worked as a secretary and met her American husband-to-be.

That was the sole extent of Lily's knowledge of her family. She had only vague memories of one occasion when they visited an old lady, her great grandmother in Perth. She recalled being in a beautiful garden with a sweet and loving lady. She had always wanted to go back there but it never seemed to fit in with Georgiana's plans and then Lily had been sent to an expensive private girls' school in Sydney and had never seen her relative again, Georgiana declaring the west to be even more behind the world than the rest of Australia.

With the self-centeredness of children, Lily had never questioned her mother about their family. When pregnant with her own daughter, Samantha, Lily wrote to Georgiana asking if she knew of any possibly inherited medical problems. Georgiana dismissed Lily's fears by pointing out she knew next to nothing about Lily's father's medical history and was not about to try and make contact with his family even if she knew where they were. In her letter Georgiana had written:

Life starts at birth. Forget all the baggage because there isn't a damn thing you can do about it anyway. I tried to let you be free You find out what you need to know, when you need to know. Sometimes knowing too much can be painfuL

Lily wasn't sure what to make of this remark but realized she wasn't going to get anything further from her mother. Her then-husband Stephen told her not to worry about it. He was relieved that his erratic and volatile mother-in-law kept to her own path in life. He regarded her with long-suffering patience that didn't endear him to Georgiana. When Stephen and Lily divorced, Georgiana was delighted. When she visited she could now have the attention of Lily and Sami without the "interruptions and interference of that man."

Lily was adamant that Stephen continue to be involved with Sarni's life. I didn't have a male role model and a girl needs a dad."

Her academic ex-husband, vague about the nitty-gritty of life, nonetheless was a devoted if distant father-distant due to them being in different cities.