Counseling Gems

Introduction; Section I: Counseling Philosophy; 1: Counseling is helping people become aware of how they are creating their lives, based upon a belief system they have forgotten they believe.; 2: You must have filters through which to sift and organize all the "stuff" the client gives to you.; 3: The reason persons are not solving their life problems is not because they aren't smart enough but rather is because they are working with the wrong data.; 4: The power of positive thinking only works for those people who are already happy.; 5: Real clients are seldom easy clients with whom to work. If something significant wasn't wrong with them, they wouldn't be clients at all.; 6: Clients are better at being clients than most counselors are at being counselors.; 7: A 5 degree or 10 degree shift in the situation can be significant. A shift of 180 degrees is probably phony and won't last.; 8: All behavior has meaning and purpose in some context. Nothing is an accident.; 9: Habits become habits because they accomplish something very well.; 10: Defense mechanisms are chosen and maintained because they work so well.; 11: No all/nothings exist except for being pregnant.; 12: Remember that in counseling the problem is always sitting in the chair across from you... and so is the solution!!!; 13: Counseling is the TRUTH BUSINESS... and the truth is hard to find.; 14: Clients are seldom helpless. They have developed strange ways of succeeding.; 15: When a client agrees with you, that doesn't mean you are right; when they disagree with you, that doesn't mean you're wrong.; 16: People are not weak—they're just not in touch with their power.; 17: However you are feeling about the client or are responding to the client is probably what the client intended.; 18: A counseling relationship has several stages. The honeymoon is the fun part; then the work begins.; 19: Counselors lose more clients by doing too little too late than by doing too much too soon.; Section II: Goals and Boundaries of Counseling; 20: The counseling relationship has a unique set of parameters which carry a unique set of permissions.; 21: All problems in counseling are relationship problems. Period!; 22: All relationship problems are related to either power or intimacy.; 23: The client's problem is rarely the real problem. What the client thinks is the problem is usually a bothersome symptom.; 24: Mythology—the basis of it all.; 25: New insight and new language give the client some wiggle room for a change.; 26: The one who gives in gets even.; 27: Value-free counseling—it doesn't exist!; 28: Counseling is a process in which we try to avoid the win/lose part of living.; 29: Never let a client "IT" on you.; Section III: Clients' Reasons for Counseling; 30: For many people, seeing a counselor is an admission that they have failed.; 31: Sense of failure...; 32: Clients usually hope you can help make things better without changing anything, at least as far as they're concerned.; 33: In their hearts they know they're not to blame.; 34: The client secretly hopes that you too will fail. The the client won't look so stupid.; Section IV: Counselor's Role; 35: One can do only what he thinks is the right thing to do ... under the given circumstances.; 36: Responsibility: Creating one's life through choices...; 37: To be intimate means to be vulnerable—from a position of strength.; 38: You must train your client to be your client.; 39: I hold the counselor 75 to 80 percent responsible for what happens in a counseling interview.; 40: The counselor, not the client, is in control of the interview—a fact that many beginners forget.; 41: Give your clients hope. They need it.; 42: If clients have made such a mess of things, how can they ever depend on themselves again.; 43: Never contribute to the delinquency of your client.; 44: You must be willing to be responsible for making the client feel bad.; 45: Clients are excellent at what they are doing wrong.; 46: Sincerity does not mean truth.; 47: You cannot not communicate.; 48: Accepting one's humanness.; 49: The superego—you will either increase it or decrease it. Take your pick!; 50: Anger, fear, and sadness (or grief) are always that which the client is trying to avoid.; 51: If you have to explain what counseling is to a client, you probably aren't doing much of it.; 52: People who cry too easily are often covering up their anger. People who anger too easily are often covering up their tears.; 53: People who control their emotions may control more than they know.; 54: At different times in a counseling relationship I believe the client and the counselor are in a kind of war.; 55: Do you want me to be a good counselor or a bad one?; Section V: Problems in counseling; 56: Problems of counseling: Some are solved, others are resolved.; 57: What they have done to others they will do to you—somehow.; 58: Counseling ultimately deals with anger or fear or sadness. It is not a happy business.; 59: Misunderstanding the counselor is a great defense for the client.; 60: Too logical or too intuitive? That is the question!; 61: Clients are never "stuck" in their counseling—they are hanging on.; 62: Who's holding back—the counselor or client ?; 63: Depression: Is it anger, sadness or despair?; 64: Resentment—of whom?; Section VI: Techniques and Procedures; 65: There's no such thing as nothing.; 66: Don't listen to the client's story. Listen for their life-style within the story.; 67: Client history: On my terms only!; 68: Patterns of behavior, early memories, familiar situations—all can be keys to early intentionality.; 69: Your insight is good. Your client's developing that insight is better.; 70: Transference: When it happens, you've struck gold! Go for it!; 71: Catharsis doesn't cure anything; but it may be a step toward curing.; 72: I actually throw a "counselor switch" on and off at will.; 73: The best basis for establishing the counseling relationship is that of the counselor's competence, not of being friendly.; 74: Beginning the interview.; 75: Beginning the relationship.; 76: ... And You?; 77: I hate the question, "How do you feel?" or "How are you feeling?"; 78: I always have three Here/Nows from which to choose.; 79: By-Pass the client's defenses.; 80: Humor in therapy is a tricky issue.; 81: To the largest extent possible, make the counseling session an experience of the client's life rather than a story about it.; 82: Here and Now: The great mystery.; 83: The famous "chairs," and how to introduce them.; 84: About-ism versus now-ism.; 85: You just had a thought...; 86: And/But; 87: Find out what is, not what isn't.; 88: When a client is talking about "people," they may be talking about you—check it out.; 89: Listen for a refrain. It may give you a clue to their style.; 90: When you make an intervention, pay particular attention to how the client defends against it—and then make another one!; 91: To make the client's material meaningful, intensify, intensify, intensify.; 92: Confrontation does not mean aggression!; 93: Subvocalization—you can't stop it, but you must change it.; 94: Another perspective...; 95: Suicide: I always take it seriously.; Section VII: Do and Don't; 96: Ask broad questions about narrow subjects.; 97: A great answer to a different question.; 98: K-I-S-S. K eep I t Super Simple.; 99: Spontaneity may mean you are unprepared! Rehearse some scenes at home. Develop mini-lecturettes for certain subjects.; 100: Body language—the least well defended.; 101: Talking "about" feelings without having feelings is seldom helpful.; 102: Counseling is not a social dialogue—don't be polite.; 103: Don't ask "why," ask "what."; 104: One question at a time.; 105: If you ask a question, don't you answer it.; 106: The client may be trying to entertain you—or himself/herself.; 107: Watch for the tears behind the laughter; 108: If you miss an important dynamic or piece of information, don't worry! If it is important,it will come up again.; Section VIII: Termination; 109: How do you end an interview? One way is to say STOP!; 110: When are you ready to stop counseling?