Read an extract from The Cancer Companion

Over 1 million Australians are currently living with, or have previously lived with, cancer. While survival rates continue to improve, navigating the treatment options and steering through the emotional turbulence of a diagnosis can be a harrowing journey. The Cancer Companion, from highly experienced Australian psychologist Dr Toni Lindsay, is a reassuring guide to finding a path through the medical and mental maze.

In the following extract from The Cancer Companion, Dr Lindsay explains how to navigate the tricky territory of managing the expectations and reactions of others when we are reeling with a new diagnosis or dealing with the emotional and physical challenges of treatment. Read on …

Dr Toni Lindsay

Managing other people

‘If I have one more person tell me that I just need to be positive, or that it will all be okay, I think I might scream. I know they’re well meaning, but it drives me mad. They don’t have any idea of where I’m at, and them talking like that makes it really hard for me to tell them.‘

— Louise, 39 years old

One of the trickiest parts of a cancer diagnosis and treatment is managing other people’s expectations and responses to you. Almost everyone will want to be helpful when they hear the news that you have been diagnosed with something, but it may be that they have no idea what might actually be helpful. This can be when things like ‘just be positive’ or ‘don’t worry about that’ might appear. It’s expected that you might worry more about the future than you have in the past, or you may feel you need to talk about things you haven’t talked about before. Some people around you might find it really difficult to manage this. Many patients report sadness when someone in their world is not as supportive as they had hoped. This might be for a whole bunch of reasons, but most of the time it means people feel disappointed that they haven’t been able to access the support they need.

On the other side of the coin, it may be that people you haven’t been close to, or weren’t expecting much from, reach out to you. These people might be the ones who at this time can give you the support you need, or just know what to do. Often they have had an experience of something difficult in their lives and can relate to what might be helpful for you.

If you find that people aren’t supporting you in the way you need, perhaps it is worthwhile speaking with them and spelling out what you need. You can give a direction like ‘It would really help me if you could get me some bread from the shops as I am exhausted’ or ‘I don’t need you to feel like you have answers for what I am going through, I just want you to listen to me.’ They may then be better able to give you what you need.

However, there might be some people who just don’t get it regardless of how often you tell them. Many people decide that, during treatment and making sense of all of this, they don’t have the energy to try to make other people understand. This is also true for the people in your world who are really distressed by your situation (even when you are feeling okay). Many of my patients make a choice to spend time with people who are able to deal with what is happening, as they don’t feel they have the energy to support those who aren’t coping as well. This doesn’t mean it will feel like this forever, but it’s about working out what will help you right now.

The other time when people find it difficult to manage others’ reactions are when things change medically. Many patients take time after they find out news of their cancer returning, or if things aren’t going well, before they tell other people. This can be based around knowing that the people around them are likely to become distressed so they might need to feel they have processed the information before they speak with other people about it. It can also be a good idea to make sure you feel you have enough information to share for it to be helpful — for instance, knowing what the plan is, or what you think about something before you try and explain it to other people. If not, it might be that you get bombarded with questions you don’t have answers for, which is likely to just add to how overwhelmed you might feel.

—The Cancer Companion by Dr Toni Lindsay (Exisle Publishing) is out now.

The Cancer Companion

How to Navigate Your Way from Diagnosis to Treatment and Beyond

by Dr Toni Lindsay

A cancer diagnosis can cause a torrent of unfamiliar emotions felt by both the patient and those who care for them.

The Cancer Companion is a compassionate, down-to-earth guide for those navigating these difficult and complex emotions. Its simple structure and comprehensive approach turns modern psychological research into constructive strategies for dealing with anxiety, depression, sleep disturbance, management of relationships, and many more components of cancer-related distress...

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