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After the Fight : Using Your Disagreements To Build A Stronger Relationship - Daniel B. Wile

After the Fight

Using Your Disagreements To Build A Stronger Relationship

Paperback Published: 22nd September 1995
ISBN: 9781572300262
Number Of Pages: 326

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What do partners do after a fight? If they're like most people, they apologize: "I'm sorry. I had a bad day and I took it out on you." Or, they wake up the next morning and pretend that nothing happened, hoping their partner will do the same. In neither case do they talk about the fight. They're too afraid that doing so will simply rekindle it--and they're right; it probably would. But since they don't talk about the fight, nothing ever really gets resolved.

Daniel B. Wile, author of Couples Therapy and After the Honeymoon, devotes this entire book to an analysis of a single night in the life of a couple, Marie and Paul. By tapping into their self-talk (their ongoing conversations with themselves), he discovers what starts, escalates, and rekindles fights--and also, what potentially allows for a useful conversation about a fight. Wile reveals the half-thoughts and half-feelings that generally go unnoticed: the anxious flashes; depressive waves; two-second, self-directed diatribes; and two-second mental divorces.

Industry Reviews

"An inspirational book. It is one of the most unique and creative books about couples I have ever read. It captures not only the subtleties of couple interactions, but also the nuances of couples therapy. I plan to assign this book to all of my graduate students, and will open it myself whenever I need to be reminded of how exciting it is to study and treat couples." --Neil S. Jacobson, Ph.D., University of Washington

"Reading After the Fight is the next best thing to being in the room with Daniel Wile, widely renowned as a creative and masterful couples' therapist....Wile shows a remarkable capacity to put words to the vague and amorphous thoughts of the partners as well as the therapist.... He lets us in on his innermost thoughts and quandaries as a therapist and offers a multitude of examples and direct dialogue to make his approach come alive." --Gayla Margolin, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology, University of Southern California

Major Points In the Bookp. 1
The Ongoing Conversation We Have with Ourselvesp. 15
Using Our Relationship to Figure Out at We Feelp. 19
Self-Blamep. 24
Self-Justification: Fighting Off Self-Blamep. 28
The Therapist's Platformp. 35
The Client's Platformp. 46
The Value of the Platformp. 61
Blaming: If You Can't Join Them, Beat Themp. 83
Defensiveness: A Multiplicity of Defensive Responsesp. 89
The Fightp. 100
Five Levels of Attackp. 105
What Fighting Isp. 117
Dealing with Couple Fighting by Helping Partners Make Their Pointsp. 127
The Shifting In and Out of an Adversarial State between Client and Therapistp. 150
Monitoring the Shifting In and Out of an Adversarial State between Client and Therapistp. 156
First Attempts at a Recovery Conversationp. 169
The "Admitting-Admitting" Couple Statep. 181
The "Collaborating-Collaborating" Couple Statep. 193
A Recovery Conversation in Its Full Sensep. 198
Leading-Edge Feelingsp. 213
Life as the Continual Generation of Symptomsp. 221
Relationships as Solutions That Create New Problemsp. 231
Therapy: Helping Clients Get Across What They Need Top. 240
The Impossibiiity of Obeying the Rules of Good Communicationp. 249
Primary, Secondary, and Rejected Picturesp. 267
The Four Ego-Analytic Picturesp. 279
What Happens to Marie, Paul, and the Skeptic?p. 305
Referencesp. 319
Indexp. 321
Table of Contents provided by Blackwell. All Rights Reserved.

ISBN: 9781572300262
ISBN-10: 1572300264
Series: Using Your Disagreements to Build a Stronger Relationship
Audience: Tertiary; University or College
Format: Paperback
Language: English
Number Of Pages: 326
Published: 22nd September 1995
Country of Publication: US
Dimensions (cm): 22.78 x 15.22  x 2.57
Weight (kg): 0.49